Episode 9: The Crackatinny Caper Part 2


 * This week the Crackatinny Caper concludes as our heroes find themselves trapped in a gnome brewery surrounded by vicious hybrid hobo/emus. Can they survive the onslaught? And if so will they discover the truth behind this sinister new plot?

Synopsis
The gnomes running the Crackatinny Brewery panic as the manmus approach, but manage to explain to Gadai, McKenzie and Plank  that the manmus have been attacking intermittently over the nights of the last few weeks, in ever-growing numbers. Spunky explains that the building would likely weather an attack by just rudebirds, but manmus with their extra reach and opposable thumbs will be a risk.

Despite the reluctance of the other gnomes, Shonky suggests using some of his creations - Beer Defence Carts, two-person reinforced vehicles armed with primitive cannons and Gnomish Grenades. McKenzie demands the brewery's supply of purer alcohol for further explosive or burning fuel, but Spunky tries to protest that the alcohol is spoken for.

Plank drives one cart, with Gadai as his passenger, while McKenzie rides in the other cart while Stroppy drives. They strap a barrel of beer to the back of each in order to attract the manmus. They exit to find themselves facing about forty manmus, which they split between them and proceed to attack, effectively cutting through them despite some malfunctions from the Beer Defence Carts.

A second wave of manmus are also quickly worn down, but as the last few are remaining a much larger wagon arrives, bearing the banners of the Edgerton Family and of the Worthington Family. The wagon carries significant numbers of guards and wizards, against which Crikey Moses warns. The group attempts to flee the royal groups, but McKenzie and Stroppy's cart stalls. As the royal guards retrieve the bodies, McKenzie convinces a guard that she is in full support of the Worthingtons and did not see exactly what it was that was attacking the place, blaming it on "local hooligans".

As the return to the brewery, Spunky says their client will be very grateful and suggests that they go and have a beer with him. Gadai, McKenzie and Plank follow the gnomes down a secret passage despite the nervousness of Crikey Moses. It leads to a large cavern with a number of treasures, and a hole in the ceiling from which emerges the Beerholder Grolsch. McKenzie attempts to attack Grolsch but misses; Plank instead intrigues Grolsch with the suggestion of a maths test where the winner takes an Iron Flask that is on display and the right to keep or free the gnomes.

McKenzie sets the question: 12x12. Plank gets it wrong, while Grolsch succeeds, so instead the group attacks. The battle is a slow struggle until Plank succeeds in striking Grolsch with a gnomish frag grenade. The grenade injures everyone in the room and knocks out McKenzie, but does kill the Beerholder. The group explains to the gnomes that they were under the control of a Beerholder, and the gnomes give them the iron flask under the condition that Plank does not open it inside the brewery.

Plank immediately opens it, revealing a Mozzieloth which asks what Plank's bidding is but states that it will only follow his saying for one hours. It states its name is Bungstunger. Plank and Gadai are unable to force Bungstunger back into the iron flask, but McKenzie manages to do so.

The group returns to the Pie Wagon with the flask, a keg of beer, and three frag grenades. Methface expresses his gratitude and mentions in passing that someone has become "King of the Spiders". McKenzie offers Methface money to put his underpants on as they would usually be worn, but Gadai and Plank counteroffer with more money for him to put them on McKenzie's face instead. Methface attempts to pursue McKenzie through the forest to do so.

Characters

 * Gadai
 * McKenzie
 * Plank
 * Boozy
 * Furphy
 * Nuddy
 * Shonky
 * Spunky
 * Stroppy
 * Sweary
 * Grolsch
 * Bungstunger

Locations

 * Chesty Flats
 * Crackatinny Brewery

Peoples

 * Gnomes
 * Halflings
 * High Elves
 * Humans
 * Tieflings

Creatures

 * Beerholders
 * Manmus
 * Mozzieloths
 * Rudebirds

Definitions

 * Acker Dacker
 * Crikey Moses (mentioned)
 * Edgerton Family
 * Gnomish Grenades
 * Iron Flask
 * Sleepingbagger
 * Worthington Family

Quotes
Stroppy: "Are you fucking serious? You're gonna put me out there with those fucking rude birds?!" McKenzie: "You will fucking love it." Stroppy: "Yeah, yeah..." Gadai: "Release some of that anger, Stroppy." Stroppy: "I'm gonna make them regret they were ever born in separate places and then fused together. Fucking hate 'em." Luke: Gnome penises? Yes. They are famously pre... I'm starting to slur, hello. Plank: In slow motion. Suzanne: This was the money shot roll, are you gonna let us do it? Luke: - and teeth - Suzanne: There's no teeth! Luke: Yeah! Yeah, there's - there's a couple of teeth, from the top half. Zach: From the emus' vaginas. Luke: ...emus' vaginas in Fantasy Australia are lined with teeth. McKenzie: "That's true. He does have reason... yes, let's run." Gadai: "It's beer." Spunky: "It's bacon-flavoured beer." McKenzie: "That does sound extremely Australian." Gadai: "...aren't they just pool balls?"
 * McKenzie: "And I'm going to be a passenger in the other and I'm gonna bring out Stroppy as my driver."
 * Suzanne: Are gnome penises prehensile?
 * Gadai: And as Plank ploughs through them, I'm just giving them all the forks, hair blowing in the wind.
 * Luke: First are the knives on sticks, which... I just lost my fucking dice in my crotch...
 * Luke: Come on, it's 8d10, it's just gonna fuck 'em up. They're all gone. They're all blown to bits, the cannonball goes past and they don't know what hit 'em. It's just like - there are fucking feathers -
 * Plank: "Wortho doesn't like us."
 * Spunky: "You saved our bacon."
 * McKenzie: "I want the orbs on the table."
 * Bungstunger: "At eight-thirty, we're gonna stop worrying about what you want, and we're gonna start thinking about what I want. And what I want might be a little bit different from what you want, cunt."

Australian Culture References

 * A "Furphy" (noun) is, in Australian slang, a rumour or improbably story which is told as if true but is actually incorrect.
 * "Shonky" (adj) is Australian (and UK) slang for something which is of poor or dubious quality.
 * The battle against the manmus may be a reference to the "Emu War" or "Great Emu War", an unsuccessful 1932 military operation which attempted to cull emus which were a nuisance for farmers in some regions at the time.

Trivia & Gaffes

 * This week, the players are asked their characters' greatest regret:
 * Gadai's greatest regret is the loss of a friend she made while living in the outback as a child, to whom she did not speak but with whom she spent quite some time.
 * McKenzie's greatest regret is the macrame bridging course she did at university for extra credit.
 * Plank's greatest regret is his involvement in the deaths of a large number of people due to his blacksmith work.
 * During the mass manmu fight, in the first round of the first wave McKenzie and Stroppy only kill five manmus but Luke states that they have killed the same as Plank and Gadai (ten).
 * After being the fastest to calculate correctly the hit points of the Beer Defence Carts, Zach points out that he was in the top 2% of his state for maths. This proves very embarrassing when he later gets 12x12 wrong against Luke as Grolsch.
 * The guard whom McKenzie charms has the Chatterpillar number/name "LeafyBob".
 * McKenzie claims her Chatterpillar number/name is "ShannonAngel", although this could well be a lie.
 * This episode features the first, but not the last, time that a cat makes an offscreen appearance by loudly scraping in a litter tray.
 * Melf's Acid Arrow only causes damage the first turn after it hits, not every turn.