Episode 3: The Pie Mine Mystery Part 3

''By crikey it's the final part of our first adventure as our intrepid team of stupid baby heroes delve deep into the cursed Pie Mine and solve this mystery once and for all! Who's behind it all? You'll have to listen to find out! It's Dungeons and Dragons Down Under as we play D and D in Fantasy Australia, mate!''

Synopsis
McKenzie, Plank and Gadai  descend further into the empty mines, partially guided by the growing agitation of Little Beefy. On finding the body of the dwarf Geoffrey Notstumpyton, Plank puts his hand into the body and is bitten by an unusually aggressive piebug. Gadai and McKenzie defeat the piebug, only for Little Beefy to also become agitated. With Light cast on him, Little Beefy is released, but he also attacks the group and has to be returned to his carrier. Numerous aggressive piebugs began to surround the group, forcing them to continue deeper into the mine following Little Beefy's interest.

They find a walled-off section of mine which has been broken open. A glowing ghostly figure blocks their way and tries to persuade them to leave, but when they are injured by a rock and then by Plank they reveal themselves to be Dicko. Dicko is also revealed to not be a dwarf, but a human walking on his knees. Gadai intimidates Dicko into admitting that "she" has paid some of the miners one hundred gold each to scare people away. The group release Dicko, who is promptly overcome and killed by the approaching piebugs.

They enter another room with a raised stone altar that holds the corpse of Definitely Stumpy. Stumpy's ghost rises and is unaffected by McKenzie's Firebolt, but has a series of realisations when Plank and Gadai tell him that Jolo loves him and disappears as his unfinished business is handled. McKenzie recognises the signs of some sort of ritual sacrifice. McKenzie finds on Stumpy a jar of lard labelled "Griffon Grease"; in the shadows of the room, Plank sees another body with the nametag Griffon. Griffon's body gives up a parchment with a set of blueprints, which may or may not be a sex machine.

Entering the final room, the group finds Ratrooter, Boont and Stroker waiting for them. Ratrooter attempts to flee, but the group stop him. As Rooter and Boont escape, Stroker is revealed to be a lady in a mask - rival pie producer Mrs Mac. Mrs Mac has made a bloody oath to curse the Chunky Bloke Pie Mine.

The group quickly dispatch Mrs Mac only to hear a rumbling in the sacrificial chamber, and return to find the altar has split in two and a Meat Golem is emerging from it. The group also kill the Meat Golem, taking no damage, then confirm that the piebugs have returned to their normal behaviour and that the ward scarecrow has been found in one of the beds.

Wenzo congratulates the group on their success and suggests they steal some magic items and a pie wagon and travel together as mystery solvers. Wenzo has been destroying and burning mine paperwork. He produces three magical items - a Didgeridoohickey, a Silver Galah Figurine, and Bracers of Archery. Plank attempts to lock Wenzo in the room with the burning paperwork, but Wenzo picks the lock to accompany them to the pie wagon and into the Fantasy Australian sunset.

Characters

 * Gadai
 * McKenzie
 * Plank
 * Little Beefy
 * Geoffrey Notstumpyton
 * Dicko
 * Definitely Stumpy
 * Griffon
 * Stroker/Mrs Mac
 * Meat Golem
 * Mrs Meat (mentioned)
 * Wenzo
 * Stoker (mentioned)
 * Favril Hasmagicbeans (mentioned)

Locations

 * Bacon Dimension (mentioned)
 * Chunky Bloke Pie Mine

Peoples

 * Dwarves
 * Halflings
 * High Elves
 * Humans
 * Tieflings

Creatures

 * Ghosts
 * Meat Golem
 * Piebugs

Definitions

 * Potion of Animal Friendship (mentioned)
 * Bracers of Archery (mentioned)
 * Didgeridoohickey (mentioned)
 * Immovable Rod
 * Pie Wagon
 * Silver Galah (mentioned)

Quotes
Dicko: "Nah, not really mate." Plank: "Eat Stumpy." Gadai: "Get off it! Stumpy - oh, sorry, I thought you meant Beefy. No, you can eat Stumpy, I don't care." McKenzie: "Fuck off!" Mrs Mac: "You fuck off." Plank: "I still have... quite a few questions."
 * Luke: You journey into the mine. And obviously the mine has a lot of different shafts and a lot of places to go... a lot of shafts. Some of the shafts have hair at the end... some of them sort of end in a kind of glistening tip.
 * Dicko: "Hey mates, it's really fucking scary down there. Woooo! It's haunted and shit, hey, so I'd fuck off and go home and forget about it if Iiiii were youuu cause it's scary as shit, mate!"
 * Plank: "Do you have anything useful to tell us?"
 * Gadai: "We know what we need to do. We -"
 * Mrs Mac: "So now all our little secrets are out, why don't you turn around and go away and let me just enjoy my flourishing pie business?"
 * Mrs Mac: "Let's stop this now! Like, it was all fun and games but now... fucking, hello! My tits are on fire."
 * Wenzo: "Am I right, guys, in saying that they solved the mystery of the pie mine?"
 * Wenzo: "Lockpicking plus four, dickhead."

Australian Culture References

 * Suzanne's comment of "How can you sleep while the pies are bleeding?" is likely a reference to the 1987 song "Beds are Burning" by Australian rock band Midnight Oil.
 * "Aubergine" is an Australian English (and British English) word for an eggplant.
 * McKenzie suggets Dicko is "working on the blue pie line", a reference to 1990 song "Blue Sky Mine", also by Australian rock band Midnight Oil.
 * Mrs Mac's Pies are a family-owned pie brand produced in Perth, Western Australia, and sold throughout Australia and New Zealand.
 * "Bloody oath" is Australian slang generally indicating excitement or surprise

Trivia & Gaffes

 * This episode introduced the "Confessional" concept, taken from reality TV shows such as Big Brother, which asked the characters to break the fourth wall and talk about what they thought of each other. Gadai respected McKenzie but considered Plank a hinderance; Plank thought Gadai was the best member of the team and was neutral about McKenzie; McKenzie did not want to be associated with any of this but thought that Gadai had some uses and skills and that Plank was a reasonable meat shield.
 * This episode features the first mention of the Immovable Rod, and the first instance of someone misunderstanding how it works when Plank suggests they use it to block off an entire doorway.
 * For the second time in a row, McKenzie and Plank fail to be intimidating, but Gadai proves extremely good at it.
 * It never does become clear whether the blueprints are for a sex machine or not.
 * For the first time, one of the group gets a natural twenty and critical damage is rolled. However, instead of rolling double the dice and adding the modifier once, the entire damage score is doubled.
 * At second level, McKenzie should not have access to Scorching Ray (a second level spell which can be used by third level wizards).