Episode 10: Beyond Barneydome Part 1


 * Crikey - not only is it a new live Dungeons and Dragons story set in Fantasy Australia, but special guest Jacinta joins the party as a mysterious new adventurer! In the town of Nippenbiddy, home of the legendary Barneydome fighting arena, all their beautiful babies are going missing. Is someone nipping on these little nippers? STICK IT IN YOUR LUGHOLES!

Synopsis
Seeking money and experience, Wenzo has entered Gadai, McKenzie and Plank into fights at The Barneydome in Nippenbiddy. However, due to their recent bad exposure, he asks them to do so under assumed identities.

Gadai appears as "Goodnight", with a dingledonger skull on her head and a hessian hooded cape. McKenzie appears as "Agent Sparkle", having swathed her head (and the Smart Arse) in sparkly fabric with her usual clothes. Plank appears as "Max Steelkiller of the House of Death and Sadness", wearing tight, studded black leather and an overly long cape.

Wenzo reveals that the Barneydome has a magical-dampening shield, which does not affect existing magical items but will prevent spells from being cast. He lends McKenzie the Distant Kiss. Fights are not to the death, and to surrender at any point competitors can drop their trousers and remove themselves from the field of play.

Despite excitement in the city itself over newcomers, the stands of The Barneydome itself are only about a third full. For their qualifying round, the group are expected to fight the Swooper Brothers, a group of four aarakocra. McKenzie kills Bluey Swooper and Pooey Swooper with a Gnomish Grenade, leading Spewey Swooper to immediately surrender and Gooey Swooper to follow shortly after. This qualifies them for the prize fight, a three-on-three battle where the last team standing will win five thousand gold pieces. The opposing team consists of Barbarabarian, a mail-clad and scarred barbarian woman; Chugger-Bugger, two goblins in a trenchcoat; and weredingledonger Channing Taters. Channing Taters is immediately angered by the skull on Gadai's head and explodes into the fight against her.

However, as the fight is underway, Sheriff Piggy Wolf enters with four crettins and orders the fight to be stopped. He accuses Channing Taters of eating three babies the previous night, which Channing vigorously protests. Wenzo excitedly declares it a mystery. As the group leave the arena, they are met by wizard Figgy Wiggins, who gives them potions to heal their injuries, and follow to the courthouse where Channing is being presented to mayor Bernie Dohne.

Bernie Dohne immediately moves to execute Channing. Gadai, McKenzie and Plank all notice both the displeasure in the room and the fact that almost every woman present is currently pregnant, and begin to feel uneasy about the lack of evidence. McKenzie steps forward and demands a stay of execution while a proper investigation is undertaken. As an argument breaks out, ambassador Bootie McScoots enters the room and states that Channing is of important to the Jackman Family and also insists on an investigation. Bernie Dohne gives them until sundown to prove Channing's innocence, and the party step forward to offer their services.

Wenzo asks some preliminary questions to identify important figures in the town and those most closely involved. All of the powerful figures appear to be men. Figgy Wiggins gives Channing a healing potion and puts a magical bracelet on each of the four to act as a tracking device until the end of the day.

The party agrees that Wenzo should act as home base while they talk to the mother of the vanished children, then split into two pairs to investigate further. The mother, Jazzabelle, explains that the three children, six month old triplets, had vanished overnight. She shows the party the room, and Channing indicates there is no smell of blood, then indicates out or the window to a small pile of broken and chewed-on bones, which Channing can see are from human babies but are older than a day. Additionally, while the tooth marks do appear canine, Channing points out that they do not match dingledonger teeth and that dingledongers, or weredingledongers, would almost certainly have buried the bones. Throughout their visit, Jazzabelle indicates that the women of the town are pregnant almost constantly, and that many babies go missing.

Gadai and McKenzie approach butcher Bob Gravy, who confirms that the bones are human infants and that many babies from the town go missing. Meanwhile, Channing and Plank speak with Figgy Wiggins, who talks about how pregnancy rates are high but child mortality rates also seem to be high. The three men drink together, but as Channing and Plank go to leave they are met by four skinny masked figures who demand that they stop the investigation.

Characters

 * Channing Taters
 * Gadai
 * McKenzie
 * Plank
 * Wenzo
 * Reg the Wedge
 * Swooper Brothers
 * Barbarabarian
 * Chugger-Bugger
 * Sheriff Piggy Wolf
 * Figgy Wiggins
 * Bernie Dohne
 * Bootie McScoots
 * Charlie Parsnip
 * Bob Gravy
 * Zantasia
 * Jazzabelle

Locations

 * Nippenbiddy
 * The Barneydome

Peoples

 * Aarakocra
 * Halflings
 * High Elves
 * Humans
 * Tieflings
 * Weredingledongers

Creatures

 * Crettins
 * Dingledongers (mentioned)
 * Humpyhorses

Definitions

 * Distant Kiss (Weapon)
 * Gnomish Grenades
 * Jackman Family
 * Smart Arse (Cap)

Quotes
McKenzie: "Fuck you, Wenzo." Barbarabarian: "That's not the intro we agreed on... but it's all true." Channing Taters: "Woof." Gadai: "I DON'T." Wenzo: "Don't talk about Plank like that! I get a subsidy for having him in the team." Ambassador: "Ah! My name is not Dipshit, madame-" McKenzie: "Oh, I'm sorry. Ambassador Dipshit." Jazzabelle: "That's very kind of you. Can I... you don't mind if I give you just a little bit of a scratch behind the ears, do you?" Channing: "Aw, that'd be bloody lovely. That'd be the nicest thing anyone's done for me today." Channing: "Aw, that's a great story!" Plank: "Yeah, I knew she was old, but I didn't think the vigorous action would give her a heart attack..."
 * Wenzo: "That is chilling. I got a chill down my spine, Gadai. You always set the bar very high - despite being a little tacker."
 * Wenzo: "You're not angry about this no-magic thing, are you?"
 * Reg the Wedge: "She can crush a beer can or a skull between her massive tits. Her chain mail makes the males wail. It is Barbarabarian."
 * Reg the Wedge: "And finally the big dong dingledonger, all the way from Whoopdy Woo, Channing Taters."
 * Jacinda: Channing Taters has a look over at the little halfling with his cousin on her head, and he says, "I'm gonna fuck you first."
 * McKenzie: "I feel like Gadai's got a handle on this..."
 * McKenzie: "Wenzo! What's up with this piece of shit you leant me?"
 * Channing Taters: "This is some stereotypical bullshit. Do you know what babies smell like? They smell like shit and piss. That is what they fucking taste like too. Why would I eat a baby that tastes like shit and piss?"
 * McKenzie: "See! Dipshit agrees."
 * Channing: "I don't know how I feel about these people helping me, they're pretty fucking stupid. We've got this one standing uncomfortably close to the sheriff, like he's not happy with that, fellas..."
 * Channing: "Look, Mrs, uh, Jazzabelle, I'd like to say that I'm very sorry for your loss and I think these insensitive pricks really shouldn't be laughing at your pain."
 * Plank: "...that's how I lost my virginity."

Australian Culture References

 * A "barney" (noun) is a fight or argument.
 * The "nipper" (noun) in Nippenbiddy may come from a slang term for a child, providing a hint towards the answer to the mystery of the session.
 * "Biddy" (noun) means an old, fussy woman.
 * "Berk" (noun) is slang for an idiot or fool. It comes from rhyming slang "Berkley Hunt", meaning cunt, in UK slang.
 * "Boofhead" (noun) is also slang for an idiot or fool.
 * Australian magpies are infamously bad-tempered and aggressive, hence the concern when the aarakocra are introduced with a description of black and white plumage. Their attacks involve swooping down on individuals.
 * "Dacks" (noun) are trousers/pants.
 * "Rooted" (verb), in Channing's "You've rooted it", is slang equivalent to "fucked".
 * "True blue" (adj) means honest or genuine
 * "Fair Dinkum" (adj) means good, honest or excellent

Trivia & Gaffes

 * This week, the players are asked for their character's battlecry:
 * Gadai's battlecry is a snarl of "Rrrrrrrrrrah!"
 * McKenzie's battlecry is "Fuck you, mouth-breathers!"
 * Plank's battlecry is "Nanaananaananaaaa!" in a ringing, trumpeting tone.
 * Jacinta is the first guest appearance on the podcast.
 * Jacinta's first two rolls, for initiative and for Channing's first attack, were both Nat 20s. This gave the effect of Channing exploding into the fight.
 * Plank taking eleven and a half steps towards the Sheriff after he says the time is 11:30 is a reference to the childhood playground game "What's the Time, Mr Wolf?" where players take a number of steps equal to the number said towards the "wolf" each round, until the wolf says "dinner time" and turns to grab one of them.